Coach: Angel Matos
Franchise Player: None

Twin Cities Trophy Case

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Philadelphia Assault & Batteries 2002 Season Recap (13-3, SB W)

The Batteries' Cinderella story began on a snowy February day as two Mayflower moving vans rolled the last remnants of the Buffalo Soldiers franchise to Philly. New coach Mumia Abu Jamal chose not to designate a franchise player to avoid carrying forward any of the scrubs who lost the 2001 Toilet Bowl. Mumia wanted to draft McNabb in the first round, but Donovan refused to play anywhere except Philadelphia. So owner Pencek moved the franchise there - angering the die-hard Buffalo Vietnam veterans who were the team's core fan support.
Throughout the 2002 season, a cadre of bitter vets traveled to the new stadium to support the team, only to be frozen out of entering the stadium by the team's new bandwagon fans. The vets would not give up and continued to live in a shantytown outside the stadium. Ultimately Philly won the Super Bowl, and the vets made sure the season ended as it began by attacking and destroying the stadium during the celebration.

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Super Bowl: Assault & Batteries 63, Transvestite Terror 41

A large contingent of Philadelphia's core fans are psycho Vietnam vets, who have been following the team since they were known as the Soldiers. They are among the demographically undesirable group of fans who are now banned from the stadium by bouncers. The old core fans have been living outside Ex-Lax Field in a shantytown.
After the championship was won, there was a fireworks show that was spectacular enough to cause the psycho vets to start having flashbacks of Charlie attacking them. "INCOMING!" was the cry of the vets, who responded by attacking the stadium with napalm, agent orange, and firebombs. By the time the smoke had cleared, the vets had leveled the stadium.

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SB Playoffs: Assault & Batteries 61, Powerpuff Girls 29

The Powerpuff Girls couldn't get their Johnson to perform at the most critical time, and then they lost their Bulger.

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Week 14: Assault & Batteries 67, Suicides 28

Season tickets for the Assault & Batteries are already sold out through the 2009 season thanks to the overwhelming influx of bandwagon fans. To be placed on the A&B season ticket waiting list, please call (813) 879-2827. Cryogenic freezing is now available.

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Week 13: Assault & Batteries 57, Interns 56

The Washington Interns have been really sucking lately. Coach Monica was unable to stop them from going down again this week.

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Week 12: Powerpuff Girls 57, Assault & Batteries 48

Early in the morning on game day, the A&B QBs came out and visited the protesting VietNam vets living in the shantytown outside the Philadelphia football stadium. Unfortunately, things started looking bad for the A&B QBs after Jeff Blake ate some toast topped with Agent Orange instead of jelly. Then Kerry Collins drank a bottle of Napalm thinking it was a 40.

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Week 11: Assault & Batteries 60, Lounge Lizards 49

People are starting to arrive days ahead of time for A&B games and live in the shantytown with the protesting VietNam vets. Some have such a good time that they don't even go inside the stadium to watch the game.

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Week 10: Assault & Batteries 65, Walleyes 26

The A&Bs have been gaining more popularity and respect as a playoff trip gets closer to reality for last year's Toilet Bowl losers. The new bandwagon fans have rubbed a group of psycho VietNam vets the wrong way. The vets had been the team's core fans for years while they sucked under the name of the Buffalo Soldiers. Now the psycho vets have been shut out of the games played in their new stadium in Philadelphia. Bouncers will not allowed the vets in for fear they may be a source of embarrassment to their new upscale fans. Protesting vets have taken to living in a shantytown outside Ex-Lax Stadium.

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Week 9: Assault & Batteries 59, Circus Honkeys 36

Lou Albano has the Circus Honkeys going hard on every play, running precise routes, and doing all the little things well. Unfortunately, they don't do too many big things well.

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Week 7: Assault & Batteries 60, Ozzies 55

Drew Brees played a great game despite having a giant caterpillar latched onto his face the whole time.

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Week 6: Assault & Batteries 71, Felons 38

In tribute to the team's early days in Buffalo, Philadelphia's indoor stadium is equipped with weather machines that can create up to 8 feet of snow.

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Week 5: Assault & Batteries 68, Princesses 35

It turns out the whole "sell your soul to the devil to win the championship" thing last year was just a one-time deal for Prince Charles.

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Week 3: Assault & Batteris 54, Walleyes 43

Fans are raving about Philadelphia's Ex-Lax Field and the in-game tailgate parties they can have on the new "gridiron" playing surface. The A&Bs have developed a diverse group of fans ranging from cooking enthusiasts to Philly street punks to crusty VietNam vets (who have been following the team since the days it was known as the Buffalo Soldiers).

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Week 2: Assault & Batteries 110, Interrogatives 39

Mumia Abu Jamal attributes his great coaching skill to years of solitary confinement spent making escape plans. Incredibly, these daring plans translate well into offensive football plays.
The A&Bs unleashed all of Mumia's trick plays and racked up an incredible 110.16 points this week. "You need something to keep your mind occupied when you are doing life without parole and they won't let you keep canaries in your cell," said coach Mumia.

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Week 1: Felons 57, Assault & Batteries 44

In the interviews at the end of the game, Priest Holmes gave Jesus all the credit for his Bundy, while the Assault & Batteries players gave Jesus all the blame.
"Yeah, we almost won this game - until Jesus made me fumble," said Deuce McAllister. "He must have heard about my nine illegitimate children, or the eight-ball I snorted last night, or my wife's black eye."

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Philadelphia Assault & Batteries 2002 Training Camp Report

Owner Pencek was furious over the Soldiers' collapse in 2001. He blamed the city of Buffalo and its 8 feet of snow costing them the Toilet Bowl. It also cost the team their coach. Jenna Jameson is still in the hospital recovering after too much standing outside in the snow last season froze her silicone breasts solid.
The team moved to Philadelphia this offseason. After interviewing several other porn stars for the open head coaching position, they became disgusted when most interviewees thought a football was a funny-shaped dildo that you ram up your ass every night. The A&Bs finally decided to go a completely different route and hired noted cop-killer Mumia Abu-Jamal. With both NY and DC in the league this year, Energizer Field will almost certainly be firebombed at some point.

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Buffalo Soldiers 2001 Season Recap (4-11 TB L)

The first team to hire a woman coach, Buffalo had high hopes entering the 2001 season. At the start, Jenna Jameson didn't disappoint the fans, and Buffalo found itself on top with a 3-1 record. But in a demise that is reminiscent of the old Vatican Saints franchise, the Soldiers dropped ten of their next eleven games, including the last 8 straight to close the season in a mirror image of the Princesses' win streak. Buffalo didn't put up much of a fight against Quebec in the Toilet Bowl. Half of their players were buried under the 7 ft. of snow dumped on the city before gametime.

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Buffalo Soldiers 2000 Season Recap (6-8 RS)

Preoccupied with thoughts of getting high or committing suicide, Soldiers coach Darryl Strawberry often looked content to sit back and watch the season float on by without him. Often times the Buffalo team played like they must have been high as well. The Soldiers had a rough time with the top teams, garnishing a record of 1-5. They didn't fare well in the lottery bye weeks either, losing both. Buffalo did show some life at the end when a late win streak jeopardized their Toilet Bowl berth. To prevent this, the Soldiers released some quality players in hopes for a low score - but London's record -5 point performance foiled this guerrilla warfare tactic.

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